You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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