I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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