I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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