Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
