Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
My cat gives me a boner
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
