I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
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