you have to choose: penises or morals?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
