he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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