it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
