someone owes me an orgasm
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
