We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
