im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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