He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Hippo gnu deer
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
