Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
