we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
