The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
