I don't usually arrange sex via text message
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
