can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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