It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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