they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
