just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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