Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
