dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
