I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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