i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
