Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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