i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
A+ Viking dick
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
