the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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