I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
