sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
