i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
