She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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