the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
