He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
