We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
