Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
