I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
