I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
