I CAN MOONWALK!
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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