If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
