I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
ttyl tear gas
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
