I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
