I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
