Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
