i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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