apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
should my penis look like a turkey
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
