My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
