my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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