they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
