During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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