this just has baby written all over it
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize