I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
