Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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