I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
