i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
