I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
