I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
