My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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