"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
